i get you.

rough around the edges

2009-08-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

Teitur sings that we are “rough around the edges.”

Even though this is a very familiar concept to most people, I would argue that the majority of us feel uncomfortable with the notion of being rough around the edges. Our natural inclination with rough things is to smooth them out. Think about how we sand wood or hem seams. We don't like to leave things looking messy, especially when it comes to our personalities and our presentation. When we have a piece of ourselves left out of the lines or jagged, it seems our flaws are vulnerable for others to see.

I often wonder what the harm is in letting others see our "roughness." If we show our flaws, will we not be loved? If we make errors, will we not be forgiven? In truth, asking for forgiveness offers other the chance to give the gift of forgiveness.

Why is being messy and rough so difficult for people? Are you striving for perfection without even knowing it? The bigger questions to think about are: What is perfection? Can you ever attain it? How can you stay in a state of perfection? I am still trying to figure these answers out, just as you are. But, I do know that being rough around the edges is where I'd like to be. It is a place where I know myself and can embrace my own place in this world.

take a risk

2009-07-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

If you had the chance to be vulnerable, would you? Is it something you enjoy? Is it a state of being that is imposed upon you or do you have a role? In moments of vulnerability, I have felt exposed and wide open. When I am in that space, I need one thing - to be supported. However, the hardest part about putting yourself out there is that you don't know the response you will get or if you will indeed receive the support that you need. It is a risk we take.

I think that being vulnerable scares us and therefore when we see it in others it can lead to fear as well. And when we sense fear we have the tendency to want to flee. I wonder if that fear may be the reason people have a difficult time being with those who are vulnerable and even supporting them in their time of need.

In our society, vulnerability tends to be seen as a weakness. I would argue that to be vulnerable is to be one's authentic self and therefore is to be strong. Being vulnerable in front of another person takes courage. The thing about being vulnerable is that you are naturally showing up. You are being unbelievably present.

If you are weighing the benefits and risks of being vulnerable in front of someone else, think about the relief and goodness of being supported. And even if you don't get the support you need, you still know that you have been your true authentic self and that counts for a lot.

asking how

2009-07-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

I am often fixated on why. Why are we here? Why do people act the way they do? Why is there love? Why is there hate? Why are we curious? Why do we fight in wars? The list goes on and on. I could ask "why" questions forever. But maybe a better way to go about it is to ask how. How do we love each other? How does one person affect another? How can we find peace with one another? How do the pieces fit together? How can we sense that there is something beyond us? The question of how leads us to more concrete answers. It leads us to a place we can hold on to, a place we can spend some time in.

If we can get to a point where we ask how instead of why, we may be closer to getting out of our heads for a while. I find that I dwell in the why questions which can lead to unnecessary worrying and circular thinking. When I think of people who are doers and motivated to get things done, my impression is that they spend some time thinking about the whys, but then quickly move on to the hows. The how answers are more solid and help us move forward. I want to practice this way of thinking.

Are you searching for concrete answers in your life, but asking "why" questions? I am not minimizing the importance of why. I am merely suggesting that moving towards "how" might get you a little bit closer toward the solid answers you are looking for.

falling in

2009-06-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

Do you know the feeling you get when you fall into bed at night and just sink in? The one where you let your body become one with the mattress? That feeling right there is the exact opposite of anxiety. When we are anxious, our bodies tense up, even when we don't realize it. But, in that moment when we get into bed, we fall into relaxation. We get a sense of our physical presence and let our breath go into every crevice and part.

Whenever I have been feeling anxious, instead of tensing up, I have been trying to fall into my body. When I do it, the feeling is wondrous. It brings me to a serene and calm place where I can think with a clear head and not let fear or anxiety lead the way. This is such a hard challenge for me. For some reason, lately my natural inclination seems to be to clench, hold my breath, and let my thoughts swirl. By feeling the sensation of falling into my body, I remember how to be present in each moment.

If you take a deep breath right now and let it out slowly, you can get a small sense of the feeling. Even though letting go may be what we fight against, in some cases, falling in might be exactly what we need.

big unknowns

2009-06-21T16:27:00.000-07:00

A friend told me recently that she would rather know little things than big things. Sometimes when I think about the big unknowns in my life, I get caught up in the what ifs and the worries. What is it about the big unknowns that really gets me? The fear? The unsteadiness? The lack of control? All of these aspects are present but big unknowns also leave room for exploring, space, messiness and especially newness. When I think about the big unknowns of my past, yes they have been scary, but they have been filled with far more potentiality than when life gets routinized and structured (not that we don't need that too).

One thing that I need to remember when I get overwhelmed are the things that I am sure of. When it comes down to it, I know who I am. I know what I love. I know who my community and my family are. I also need to remember that we are never truly in control of anything. We must bring our skills and tools with us as we navigate through life, but we need to surrender to every unknown that comes our way.

Are you up for the challenge? Are you ready to enter your big unknowns through a lens of curiosity, possibility, and surrender?

enough

2008-02-16T13:31:00.000-08:00

It can be hard to truly believe that we are enough in this world- to believe that we are exactly who we are supposed to be. Can you begin to trust that this is true? Another person may have told you or tried to convince you of this. Even if someone has attempted to do so, it is not someone else's job to say or believe it. The reality is, it is your job.

To believe that we are enough means that we accept that we are lovable. Why is that so very hard for us? Why do we resist the idea that we too deserve what is good and kind in this world?

What is stopping you from accepting yourself for exactly who are? If you don't already believe it, think about what it would take to truly love yourself and believe that you are enough. Take a moment to really be with this- because this truth really does lie within you.

transfer grace

2007-12-31T14:04:00.000-08:00

The idea that we all hold grace is a beautiful one. The far more splendid notion is that we realize this and bring it to all of our interactions with one another.

The word grace derives from the Latin root 'gratia' meaning 'pleasing quality, good will, gratitude and effortless beauty.' Even with high ambitions, it is unrealistic to think that we can relate to others with these qualities all the time.

This is where transferring grace enters the picture. If we can bring kindness and gratitude to interactions, then we must be able to receive them as well. Therefore we can consider grace to be contagious. By giving and accepting grace through our connections with others, we do not have to carry the burden of constantly remembering to deliver goodness, nor do we have the right to blame others for their seeming lack of good will. We can have faith in the cycle of grace, both acknowledged and unseen.

As we embark on a new year, let us become more conscious of the grace that lies within us and welcome this cycle with openness and intention.

just lovely

2007-12-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

The word "lovely" has somehow snuggled in and found a cozy spot in my daily vocabulary. So often we want to recount experiences with bright descriptive language to create a vivid picture for another's imagination. In a very contented way, the word lovely has become a simple expression of a sense of sweetness, whether it is about a person, an encounter or a moment in time.

I went away with my mom and sister a couple of weekends ago. We had a lovely time. It was a weekend of laughter, relaxation and appreciation. I could paint pictures here of extraordinary dinners and delicious conversations. But what keeps coming to my mind, as the most memorable moments are those where we are just enjoying each other's company and taking in the fullness of life.

Right now in my life, "lovely" is perfect. "Lovely" is all I want. It is all I am expecting and hoping for. And in turn, what the world is thankfully giving me.

Living

2007-11-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

Another year has circled- my birthday is this week. A quote by Zora Neale Hurston keeps running through my mind, "There are years that ask questions and years that answer." This year was a year filled with questions- about life, faith, surrender, courage and meaning. And I have certainly done my best to do as Rainer Maria Rilke challenges: "Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now."

For me, living the questions without searching for answers is about accepting what is and understanding that like everything, I am in process and the goal of that process is to continue the process. It seems ironic that we are endlessly in search of solid answers that can really only be found in the constant movement of it all. Change is everywhere and in everything- in nature, in our breath, in relationships and for that matter, in the answers as well.

Is your year one of searching or one more of a settled nature? What does living the questions mean to you? Do you know what your questions are? How does it feel to accept that you might not find the answers?

If you struggle with these questions and your own- I commend you. You are open and living and in process. Now, smile and enjoy the moment, this is it!

opening up

2007-10-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

If we all said everything on our minds the world would be a pretty noisy place. Our thoughts are textured with emotions, judgments, beliefs and ideas. As social creatures we need to communicate with others. The questions is- which pieces do we choose to share and with whom?

Each day we encounter and speak with many different people. But our most intimate thoughts are saved for particular people- safe people. And even then, we still have to evaluate how our precious ideas and viewpoints will be heard, listened to and reflected upon. It can be difficult to open up to others and we all hold the fear of being hurt and rejected.

Do you have safe people to share with? If not, where can you find and nurture those relationships? What pieces of your self are you willing to open up about? What are the qualities you look for in a person with whom you are willing to share? Do you foster those traits within yourself?

As you ponder these questions, consider one more- is there someone I can share my answers with?

too much time

2007-10-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

As you may have noticed, I haven't blogged for some time- in my opinion, too much time. There have been a lot of changes and new things in my life and somehow I continue to convince myself that I am too busy to blog. When I have sat down to write, my good intentions have gotten swayed by daily distractions and to do lists.

It's funny that I've entitled this blog entry 'too much time,' when for the most part, I've felt like there just isn't enough of it. Where does it go? The days are good. But they still seem to go by and the filled pages of my calendar get flipped as if they were pages in a book instead of moments I've lived. I wonder about these pages, these words. Do I fill my life with too many appointments, obligations or even time with people I love? Lately, I have even been scheduling time to relax- what a bizarre concept!

Last weekend I went walking among the redwoods in Muir Woods. I saw a Blue Heron in the creek. He moved with grace and majesty. As he lifted each leg and placed it in the water, he created space and silence. This beautiful creature, in his very existence, has an understanding of time that we strive for through things like meditation and taking time to breathe.

Seeing the Blue Heron reminded me that there is a balance to be found between too much and too little time. No matter how busy our lives get, there is always room for stillness and rest. And now, I bid you to go find some and I will too.

lost and found

2007-08-04T21:23:00.000-07:00

During the past few weeks there has been a lot of loss and anniversary of loss in my life. Thinking about these losses has triggered thoughts about what might be found. When we lose a loved one, do we only find sadness, pain or a deep unexplainable space? Is it possible that we can search beyond this space to a new place of found things?

One thing we may find is a memory bank which we can visit. With people who are alive, we call up memories every once in a while, but not usually with any sort of intention. When a person dies, we tend to gather together a collection of memories that we can draw upon any time we need or want to connect with our loved one. I have always appreciated this gift very much.

Another thing we may find is a renewed sense of strength and compassion that we didn't know we had. These traits live inside of us and only have the opportunity to shine in times like these.

A third thing may be a new way to navigate the world. Whether we like it or not our world changes when a loved one dies. We therefore find new ways to deal with and approach the positive and negative situations that life presents us with.

What things have you found things in the midst of loss? Have you found strength you didn't know you had? When we have loss in our lives, we are drawn to focus on the loss itself. If it isn't too painful, take a few minutes to think of the things you may have found as well.

spice it up

2007-07-16T19:41:00.001-07:00

Have you ever felt that your life is boring? I have. Sometimes I feel like I do the same things day after day. As humans, we tend to get stuck in the same routines without even noticing it. We get up, make our beds, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean the house, have similar conversations, etc. There is definitely purpose and safety in this structure we create. It gives order to this chaos we call life. Yet, this doesn't mean that our set patterns don't get old and bore us at times. When they do, we realize that we must spice things up.

How can we do this? For starters, we can add interesting activities like classes, lectures, concerts, etc. We can also think of innovative ways to bring newness to our relationships, whether it is with a partner, a friend or a family member. The other thing we can do is to bring freshness to the small details of life that only we notice. We might add cinnamon to our coffee, buy a piece of clothing or jewelry, listen to some new music, try a new recipe or buy flowers for our living space.

You may be quite content right now with the level of spice in your life. If not, how will you choose to spice up your days and nights? What ways resonate with and feel manageable to you? If you aren't sure, make it an adventure. Your only risk will be the spices you will encounter along the way!

perfect timing

2007-07-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

When I sit down to have a cup of tea, I always wait for the perfect window when the temperature is neither too hot nor too cool. If I drink hastily, I burn my tongue. If I wait too long, my tea is cold. So, how do I know when the timing is just right?

Is this how it is with life? Are there windows of opportunity that are only open for periods of time and if we don't grab them we miss out? One problem with this theory is that we may not know when the window is open. Another is that if we do not take advantage of an opportunity, we may end up living in a world of regret.

I think opportunities are about faith. Having faith that the right moments will arise when we are ready to enjoy them. I can think of life as missed opportunities or I can choose to see it as a series of perfect timings. If I view my life from this perspective, I am more able to accept not only where I am in life, but who I am as well.

How do you look at opportunities? Do you have regrets about not accepting those that have been offered to you? The wonderful thing about having faith in perfect timing, is that when it is perfect- it just is.

have courage

2007-06-17T22:40:00.001-07:00

In Latin, the word cor is the root for the word coraticum which means heart. This is the known etymology for the word courage, which is also translated as with heart. The root cor is also seen in the Old French corage, and later found its way into the English word courage.

I often use the expression 'have courage.' For me, having courage means to take life head on- with passion, lust, vigor and bravery. The irony is that when I need to live life such vitality, I tend to be stumbling or in need of support in some way. It is in these moments, when I am reminded of the origin of the word courage. I return to the idea of living 'with heart' and I am renewed. The notion that courage is synonymous with heart reinforces the fact that courage comes from an inner strength that I carry with me all the time.

Are you able to 'have courage' when you are going through a hard time? Can you look within your own heart and see the courage there? Even if you don't think so, it's there- believe me, it's there.

beautiful question

2007-05-31T14:42:00.000-07:00

Are you a curious person? I am definitely one who questions. I want to get to the bottom of things- to know the truth behind it all. One of my mentors said, "The most beautiful question is: What is the real answer?" When he said this, I immediately asked myself, what IS the real answer? Is there ever a real answer? If so, how do we find it?

Sometimes the "real answer" isn't easy to come to, especially when the question is an important one with larger consequences. When I hear the words "real answer" I tend to think, "right answer." But I think it is more than that. The "right answer" is about what is logical and rational. The "real answer" is what is solid and grounded- what is natural. For me, the process of finding what is "real" takes time. I can't make a pros and cons list or just sort it out. I must sit with the question and wait patiently for the answer.

Are you searching for "real answers" in your life right now? How will you allow the natural answers to arise? I encourage you to continue questioning and searching. Inevitably, the beautiful questions will be revealed and real answers will emerge.

easy people

2007-05-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

I spent the afternoon with a good friend and as we walked, we spoke about the concept of "easy people." The Nields, a great folk duo, sum it up perfectly when they sing:

And I choose you to take up all of my time
I choose you because you're funny and kind
I want easy people from now on

I definitely crave easy people in my life, but who doesn't? The thing is though, surrounding ourselves with "easy people" doesn't necessarily mean surrounding ourselves with people who we don't have complex relationships with. In fact, I would dare to say that the easiest of people come from relationships that both people have invested time and energy to build a solid foundation. From there, both people can "sink into easy" as my friend put it. There is an ease with which they can be themselves because they feel both valued and understood.

I love the concept of easy people- and of choosing them. Have you chosen easy people in your life? How do we go about getting to the point of "easiness"? As you think about your relationships, which ones bring a smile to your face? Which ones do you want to be easier?

I hope we can all find easy people and without even knowing it- be the easy person for others.

setting the bar

2007-05-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

In school, I always strived to get all A's. But who didn't, right? Now, even though I haven't been in school for years, I still hold the bar very high for myself- sometimes even too high for my own good. Lately, I am realizing that I put a lot of pressure on myself to live up to some idea of what I should be doing with my life. (So much so, that it trickles over into my blog to the extent that sometimes I have trouble posting because I feel like my words and art aren't "good enough").

As I have shared some of these thoughts aloud with my friends and family, I have discovered that it is only internal pressure. No one is watching me or disappointed in me. It is me who is expecting this high level of achievement and standard. That being said, it is not negative to set the bar high. However, we do need to be forgiving and allow ourselves permission to meet the bar where it seems to be settling at any given moment.

Are you setting the bar too high for yourself? Too low? Perhaps, you are feeling just right. If you are struggling with this like I am, I think the key to remember, like most things, is that we need to be more than okay with where we are- we need to embrace it.

i forgive myself

2007-05-02T15:54:00.000-07:00

I have recently started a practice of saying, "I forgive myself" each night as I go to sleep. A friend introduced the idea to me and I thought it would be an interesting ritual to adopt. So far, it has been quite difficult. Not the saying it part, but truly believing the words- to completely forgive myself for everything I have done during the day. So much happens in one day, and as I'm sure you know intimately, we are our own harshest critics.

I think that there are two parts to forgiving ourselves. The first is acknowledging the interactions during the day that we would have changed and the second is letting go of our judgments. That being said, I have found it to be stressful to acknowledge all the pieces of the day that I wish could have been different. I have chosen to spend time on "letting go." As I lie in bed and say those three words, "I forgive myself," I let myself deeply sigh and try to take in the meaning.

Are there barriers preventing you from forgiving yourself? Are there ways we can help each other in this process? Even though it is a struggle, I hope that we are all on a path towards true forgiveness.

minds that worry

2007-04-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

I am proud to tell you that two more of my poems were recently published in Word Riot. You can see them here. Here is one of the poems:

Waiting

All my life
I've never known
The burden
Stiff and worn
That sits
In minds
That worry

In rereading the poem, I wonder what I was thinking when I wrote it. Why would I write that I've never known the burden of a mind that worries? I worry all the time! When I was little, my parents used to call me the "Worried Walrus," a nickname taken from a Sweet Pickles book (a children's book series, now out of print). In the book, Worried Walrus is so concerned about the future and what might happen, that he misses out on the gift of the present.

Our minds naturally drift towards the future and the possibilities, both good and bad that might happen. There is definitely purpose in this, and still it is essential to bring our minds back and be mindful of the present. When we can completely participate in the present, we can fully enjoy what life has to offer. It seems simple enough, right? Not quite. It is a lot to ask of ourselves- to go from being in our heads to completely participating in the moment. Right now, I am working on just noticing when I am worrying or spending time in my thoughts and not in the situation. Eventually, the noticing will naturally evolve into participation in the now.

I invite you to think about the burden of worry in your mind and if you would like to change it. What steps can you take? And most of all... what is waiting for you in the present?

crazy wild words

2007-04-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

In my poetry class this week, we had two poets talk with us about their processes. One poet spoke about how she is a perfectionist and has to feel completely satisfied with a line before she can move on to the next. The other poet shared about how he just keeps writing and revises later.

Lately, I have been feeling stuck. My words aren't flowing like they have in the past. It is not for lack of inspiration or creativity. In the moment of interaction between the pen and paper, my self-judgment and self-criticism swoop in with a vengeance and paralyze me.

One method I have been using to deal with this problem is to start writing and let the words take control. So, here is me, letting go, spilling words and not being afraid to fail on the page:

Crazy wild words riding bareback on brown horses through meadows soft with pansies fit to do nothing but look flimsy and act flimsier in no contention and fight against the raging wind in a gust of gusto and anger against the night sky. Oh, the fights they have. The dreams they devour. They eat each other's guts with the pleasure of fine guests at the most desirous of restaurants, sitting politely at tables set for twenty using freshly pressed napkins to wipe slobbery spit from their drooling mouths.

yours to hold

2007-04-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's hard to admit or to say out loud that we are special or have wonderful qualities. Maybe it is just that we are humble or that in our society we are taught not to shout our amazing attributes from the rooftops. For some reason, it seems much more common to hear people putting themselves down than singing their own praises.

In a way, just knowing our special qualities is enough. It is almost like having magical superpowers. We have secrets that no one else knows, until we choose to share them. In that way, we are in control of whom we share with and how much we choose to reveal. These beautiful aspects are yours to cherish and hold close.

What are your amazing qualities? Do you acknowledge your spectacular characteristics? Do you reveal them often? Of course, it is up to you, who you choose to share with, but remember, it would be our privilege to be present when you do.

in between

2007-03-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

The Jewish holiday of Passover begins on Monday night. The retelling of the story of the exodus of the Jewish people from Egypt asks us to identify with the theme of going from slavery to freedom.

I have always been taken by the idea that often we talk about going from slavery to freedom, as if it is a quick jaunt from one to the other. It is true that physically, one goes from being enslaved to being free. However, going from an emotional or spiritual state of enslavement to a state of freedom is a much longer process.

At most points in our lives, we are probably somewhere in the "in between." We can remember what it feels like to be in the difficult place and we can imagine ourselves free of hardship. Yet, in order to become emotionally and spiritually free of these burdens, we must go through the "in between"- a place of struggle, confusion, growth, potential and healing.

Are you in a state of "in between"? What is it like? Can you feel the potential and growth? Is it painful? Do you have others who will support you? As you ponder these questions, think about one more- where can I find beauty and joy in the "in between"?

choosing patterns

2007-03-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

We all have our emotional patterns that we use to navigate the world. We have created these patterns consciously and subconsciously in order to deal with the various situations we have experienced.

At times, it may seem that our patterns are in control of us and are nearly impossible to change. These patterns are all we know and even though they may be unhealthy, we feel some level of comfort in them.

Lately, I have been seriously looking at my patterns and evaluating the benefits and disadvantages of keeping them around. I have chosen a few to challenge and change. Picking new patterns is not something that comes easily or quickly. Like anything else, it is a process of learning and growing. As difficult as it is, I am willing to try it to see if I can achieve a more positive result in order to live a healthier life.

Do you think we have the power to choose new patterns? Do you think about changing any of yours? What are the steps you can take to change them? If you do choose to change your patterns, remember, it takes time, but there may be shapes and colors that you could never have even imagined.

surrounded by silence

2007-03-19T20:37:00.000-07:00

I am lucky to be a part of a women's group that gathers at the new moon to celebrate and learn with each other. Usually we do an activity that involves expression of some sort- discussion, art, craft, writing, etc... However, last night we spent our time in silence. We prayed, meditated and thought.

At first I was a bit apprehensive. Not only did I resist the idea of spending a long period of time in silence, but I also didn't want to lose precious moments engaging with friends. I spend a lot of time in silence or trying to fill it with something external (i.e. music, television). I do enjoy being quiet, but at times I feel lonely. However, being surrounded by these strong beautiful women, I felt safe enough to delve into the silence and stay there. I was able to be silent and feel embraced at the same time. We were able to engage with each other on a level beyond outward expression.

Have you ever experienced this? If not, do you have a relationship where you can explore this idea? For just a moment, I encourage you to imagine being surrounded in silence.

Submission 2

2007-03-15T15:18:00.000-07:00

As you know, I have submitted my poetry to various publications and have had some poems accepted. (See my previous post: Submission).

I have also received many rejections. In some senses, the rejection piece has been easier than I thought. I try to think about the greater context of the struggling artist and all of the poets that I look up to and admire. I also try to imagine all the other poets sending in their poems hoping and wishing to be accepted and published.

At other more vulnerable moments, the rejection does not come as easily. Each poem I write is a mixture of my thoughts and emotions spilled on the page. I then carefully select my most poignant poems and submit them to what I think are the publications that best fit the tone and style of the poem. To receive a form letter or even a personal rejection can sometimes hurt in a way you don't expect.

Even though I have written all about rejection, I have been blessed to have another poem accepted and published on the web. The publication is Right Hand Pointing. The issue is entitled "Very Short Poetry." Here is the poem:

Blue Screen

All settles
In the graying brows
Of an octogenarian
Watching Jeopardy
Waiting for the question
To come

gentle strength

2007-03-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

Craft idea inspired by Keri Smith

Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true
strength.
-- Ralph Sockman

People are always telling us to “be gentle with yourself” or “be easy on yourself” when you’ve had a hard day or you are going through a hard time. For a long while, I thought this meant that I could do whatever I wanted to feel better like- sleep for hours, eat sugar, watch tons of television, etc. (what I would now deem “unhealthy” behaviors). It wasn’t until a couple of years ago through talking to various people, when I realized that being “gentle” with myself actually means loving and taking physical, spiritual and mental care of this thing we call our “self.” It means doing things that bring you joy and soothe your soul. For me, this may mean making a healthy meal, taking a luscious bath, going on a long walk, talking with a friend or writing poetry. I am not suggesting that I always choose to go for a run or paint instead of sitting on the couch watching tv. But, I do understand that taking care of myself is a state of mind and it comes from a place of self-respect. I now recognize that I am precious and something worth being gentle with. I have a strong feeling that you are too.

it rained solid

2007-03-05T13:25:00.000-08:00

The other day, my friend and I did a poetry exercise where we both started with the same first line and wrote from there. My poem came out in the form of prose and I thought I'd share it with you today.

It rained solid that afternoon when the earth felt right. brown earth. ready for new water. to soak. to feel. to pray. to dance. to let the fire flow. to witness the growth of beauty. the solid rain creating paths lined with roots delving deep into the soul of things. the flesh of mud. aching to reach the core of it all. the orange ball of life stretching and moving to find the secret places hiding even from themselves. the rain hides. pounds and hides. we never notice the hiding. where do you go, dear friend? when your drops fall away? to a magical place of gentleness and joy. to a magical place of gentleness and joy.

intuition

2007-02-27T15:02:00.000-08:00

I am the type of person who has a strong sense of intuition. This applies not only to interactions and daily situations, but to larger issues as well. For most of the big decisions in my life, I have felt large shifts inside when my intuition guides me to action. There have been times when I have followed my intuition and moments when I have disregarded it completely. When I have followed it, everything has seemed to fall into place and I have felt grounded and settled. When I have taken opposite action, negative outcomes have usually ensued.

Lately, though, I have been doing some soul searching. I have big questions that need answering. During this time, I cannot tell whether my intuition has no opinion, or whether I am not listening carefully enough. Is it possible that my intuition is just taking a back seat on this one? Just relaxing and letting things settle out on their own? More likely (my intuition just stirred-there must be something here) there are blocks preventing me from truly hearing my intuition’s voice right now.

How do I remove these obstacles? How do I take action to create the space needed to hear my old friend, intuition?

I just don't know right now. However, I think I will start with my first intuition- taking a deep breath…

bursting into joy

2007-02-20T20:24:00.000-08:00

We often use the term “bursting into tears.” It is an experience most people can relate to. The other afternoon, I had an experience that I can only describe as “bursting into joy.” It was quite a moment, as you can imagine. I was changing the channel on my car radio and a live version of one of my favorite songs came on that I had never heard before. My body rushed with elation and I was smiling from ear to ear.

What a wonderful sensation. Have you ever burst into joy? If so, what gave you such a feeling? If not, can you imagine it? What does it smell like? Does it have a sound? Does it linger in your mouth?

Even if we don’t feel the power of these emotions on a daily basis, sometimes just knowing that they are below the surface is enough… and at any moment, we may just burst!

loud laughter

2007-02-15T19:36:00.000-08:00

Art courtesy of a dear friend

Anyone who knows me, knows that I adore laughing. Not just small, token laughs. Not just little teehees. I LOVE to laugh...loudly. I believe in laughing with your whole body, letting the laughter in as well as out.

Some people may think that really letting go is not their style or that the setting must be appropriate for them to throw their head back and let out a good chuckle. Loud laughter doesn't just come naturally, as most people want to believe.

Loud laughter is like an emotion- you have to "let" yourself feel it. There is a single point in laughter when you realize that you can release- and if you do- you may lose control or draw attention to yourself or... really FEEL. It is a choice. And only you can make it. I choose to make it over and over. I do feel vulnerable, but the delight is worth it. Before I know it, I hear my own voice echoing throughout the room and see others laughing beside me. It is a moment of pure joy.

I encourage you to go beyond laughter and laugh loudly. I promise- joy is waiting.

learning the grey

2007-02-09T16:35:00.000-08:00

Change is most often a complicated process that spans an underestimated length of time. The reality is, change is messy. It is big mixture of goods, bads and mediocres. We cannot have change without feeling some sort of loss, even in the most positive of cases. We do change without noticing, but a significant piece of change lies in our self-awareness. This is the piece where we must learn the grey.

Lately, I have been making some big changes in my life. I have been getting to know the grey like a friend. When I look closely, I can see its multitude of colors, the purples, reds, blacks, browns, yellows, etc... The muddiness separates to reveal the possibilities this transition can bring and the places that I have been. It is a smattering of colors in every range.

How does one spend time learning the grey and sitting with it? Most of us shove it aside as quickly as it comes. We want things to go back to “normal” or get to the place we want something to “be.” It is the uncomfortable space in between that proves to be the richest. It is neither black nor white. It is all of the colors mixed together. It is the rawness of it all. It is the place where you get to learn who it is you want to be.

As you encounter change, may you embrace the grey and discover its many colors and textures. You may just find your own true self.

submission

2007-02-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

Every time I send a poem away for consideration in a publication, I enter into a vulnerable space- a place of submission. I submit my poetry, my words and my creations. But more than that, I submit a piece of myself to be judged by others.

Amongst the rejections, four publications have accepted my poetry! Two of them are currently on the web (I will let you know when the others are published). The publications are All Things Girl and The Hiss Quarterly. Click here and here to view the poems.

Lately, I have been noticing the anxiety created by waiting to hear back from the many publications that have my poetry. This space reminds me of moments within relationships when we share pieces of ourselves, in other words, submit, in order to reap the benefits of being seen and of knowing another person intimately. Submitting to this process has created loss in my life, but much brilliance as well.

By surrendering ourselves in this world, we choose to engage. We know that the place between submitting and being rejected or accepted can be uncomfortable. And yet, we continue to risk being vulnerable with the hopes of connecting. As we open ourselves to possibility in this world, let us remember the beauty that lies in submission.

in my hands

2007-01-22T20:59:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about the purpose of hands. People don't usually think about them, or at least I don't. But, in pondering my hands, I began to appreciate them very deeply. I did a piece of art about my hands and their meaning. The following is a list of some of the actions that my hands do:

reaching, loving, touching, art-ing, collage-ing, writing, talking, waiting, living, breathing, wishing, washing, helping, grabbing, holding, sensing, grasping, clawing, telling, screaming, tickling, drawing, caressing, letting go, trading, growing, laughing, crying, squeezing, coloring, brushing, pouring, cooking, drying, being in silence, tasting, covering, praying, cupping, alternating, using, believing, hoping, sharing, giving, raging, feeling, calming, enjoying, relishing, curling, dying.

As I did this exercise, I was struck by my own words. Most of the uses seemed familiar- writing, sensing, growing. Others surprised me- raging, clawing, screaming. The piece taught me that just like my hands, I am a complex person with many facets, even those I don't normally recognize.

Take a moment to think about your own hands. How do they serve you each day? How are they an expression of you? Enjoy this process… and remember, it is in your hands.

a part of all that

2007-01-16T21:20:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you opted to take the long way home? Today was one of those days for me. Choosing the alternate route allowed me to walk with the sunset.

Dar Williams sings a beautiful line in her song "After All"

The sun rose with so many colors it nearly broke my heart
It worked me over like a work of art
And I was a part of all that

It is an interesting idea to feel a part of something. The "something" piece can vary i.e. a relationship, a community, the universe. I love the notion of being a part of something so much larger than myself that I can almost observe it from a distance. No matter how small I feel sometimes, I am still an important part of the whole.

Maybe my spirit is a part of the sunset I saw today.

And it is a part of me...

here it is...

2007-01-11T18:15:00.000-08:00

May I officially introduce, my button frame! It took a long while to get all of the supplies and complete the project, but I did it. I smile every time I look at those lovely buttons. The second step was to figure out what to put in the frame. I found a fabulous quote in Journal of Solitude by May Sarton. I read the book a couple of years ago and had underlined a passage that spoke to me:

It is only when we can believe that we are creating the soul that life has any meaning, but when we can believe it- and I do and always have- then there is nothing we do that is without meaning and nothing that we suffer that does not hold the seed of creation in it.

As it turns out, many people are drawn to this quote. Strangely, this is not the first time that this has happened to me. When I read On The Road by Jack Kerouac, I found a quote that I adored and later came to find out that it is one of Kerouac's most famous lines:

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace things, but burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes "AWWW!"

How do some people have the ability to identify a universal feeling or thought? Where do those words come from? I often think about the various ways we can combine words and the beauty of expression. What are your words? How do you express them?

Let us all be open to the words of others- and ourselves. We may just find some gems...

what sends you?

2007-01-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

I saw The Holiday this weekend. It brought many smiles to my face. In the last scene, the cast dances to “You Send Me” sung by Aretha Franklin. I have been thinking about this idea of sending. Dictionary.com defines “to send” as “to delight or excite”. I can see where this comes from. If something delights or excites you, it sends you to a different place, a place of elation and bliss.

Here is a little poem that will hopefully send you.

A butterfly sat down next to me
To whisper contemplations and joys
Days made of honey light
Spilling into morning sighs

It shifted its wings
To show colors of the night
Patterned images reflecting stars

Longing for rides on rivers
Gliding alongside tall trees
Visited by chipmunks and ants

Flights sailing over days of blue
Discovering newly formed caterpillars
Awaiting worlds of change

intentions…

2007-01-03T10:23:00.000-08:00

We tend to make big resolutions on New Years. The word resolution is an interesting one- I resolute to do something. It sounds strict and finite. I prefer the word intention. With intention, the idea and hope exists without a feeling of guilt or shame when the task is not perfectly accomplished.

I too am a culprit of making grandiose resolutions on January 1st. However, I do set intentions for myself every day. I set intentions at various points throughout the day- in the shower, as I leave my apartment, before I go to bed, etc… I surround myself with physical reminders of my intentions as well. I also change my intentions every day.

Today, my intention is to grow. I would like to grow in wild vivid ways. To know that I am rooted in the earth and my branches are strong and free.

water tapping

2006-12-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

Here is my poem for Poetry Thursday:

Water Tapping

Water taps wanting to come in
To sit in the cozy warmth of my little cottage
Is it too much to dream of having a little cottage?
That my senses would be filled with licorice and light?
Oh, I wish I had a cottage surrounded by amber and wood
Rippling with secrets bound up in wordless moments
The cottage would be mine to play and whisper and shout
I would whee and whoop and hollar in my all-alone space
It would burst with time and notions and color
My cottage would rock me to sleep
Through brassy harmonies and smooth sighs
It would support my legs in the present
And retreat when necessary
I would not need a holiday from my lovely cottage
In no way need to vacate my magical space
Made of marshmallows and teardrops
The tea would brew and the coffee would steep
Among flowers and bright purples waiting
To embrace me like a fine rain

things I do

2006-12-28T09:13:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd catch you all up to speed about the "things I do" section on the side of my blog. There are many bloggers out there who know what this is all about, but I know that there are many people who read my blog who aren't as familiar with the lingo. So, here are the things I do:

1. Poetry Thursday: Poetry Thursday is a website that gives a weekly prompt and people on blogs everywhere write poetry on the topic. See my poems here. Is today Thursday already? Wow- I better write a poem!

2. Kindblog: I am a member of a group of bloggers who follow an ethical and moral code that states: By posting this badge, I'm declaring that in addition to humour, intelligence, wit, sadness, snarkiness, passion, exuberance, peace, stillness, excitability, anger or any other emotion you may witness on my site: 1) I will never intentionally hurt other people, whether I know them or not, whether they blog or not, whether they're celebrities or not, either through my words or my images. It's just not my style; and 2) I hope that by the time you've clicked away from my site, I've helped in some way to make your day just a little bit better.

3. Blogger Chicks: I am a part of a group of women bloggers. There are tons of blogger chicks out there. Check out the list on the side of my blog. Isn't the logo cute?

5 things

2006-12-26T18:41:00.000-08:00

5 thing I enjoyed this weekend:

1. Lovely lights lit up in little houses with lively laughter

2. People in a square fitting like a circle, gathered like presents around the tree.

3. Time and joy with my nurturing family

4. Mochas made with marshmallows mmm...

5. Orange scarves on heads with wild curls

I was thinking about the light this season. It seems practically impossible not to notice the lights around us. The darkness creates a backdrop for the lights that makes their shine incredible. Yet another reason the darkness can be beautiful. It frames light in a way we almost can't describe. We can only enjoy...

all tied up

2006-12-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

I've been tied up for the last week or so. I guess those hard days got to me. But, I'm back and ready for my life as a blogger to continue.

The topic for today is buttons. I have been seeing lots of button projects on various blogs. I'm really excited about this idea of collecting them and creating crafty things with them (pictures to come!) The idea of buttons happens to fit in perfectly with the idea of being all tied up.

What happens when the thread that is holding our buttons starts to fray? How do we handle it when our thread is pulled too tight? What if our buttons don't match? Do we even want them to match?

Sometimes I want all of my buttons to be black or white and sometimes shades of blue and green seem to fit my mood. There are moments when big yellow buttons are exactly what I want to show and other days when I wish they were invisible all together. There are so many possibilities wtih colors, shapes and sizes.

I guess I like to just be aware of my buttons and know that I have the power to change them.

Okay, that's it for me. I'm all buttoned out :)

Hard Days

2006-12-11T12:12:00.000-08:00

You know those days? The ones that you know will be tough from the minute the alarm goes off. They happen. And they have been happening to me lately. So, I have created a list of tools to get through those days. If you have any to add, please leave them in the comment section. The winter solstice is coming. The days will become longer and more light will surround us. There is something so comforting about cycles. Even though there are hard days, the inevitability of easy ones remains.

Tools:

~ drink lovely cups of tea
~ listen to soothing music
~ enjoy thoughtful blogs
~ read fabulous books
~ write poems
~ allow myself to receive love from my good friends and loving family
~ watch candles glow
~ look at pretty pictures in cookbooks

in the arms of leaves

2006-12-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

On my walk today, the song "Arms of a Woman" by Amos Lee kept running through my head. I was thinking about the flowers and how they are loved and protected by the leaves. The deep greens and smooth shapes have the pleasure of growing alongside such beauty. The purples and yellows are wrapped gently in the arms of leaves.

Who are we the leaves for? Whose arms are holding us? Do we let them?

Can we be our own leaves? Wrapped in self-love and our naked arms?

Try it. You may just find some comfort there...

Our Characters

2006-12-06T12:29:00.000-08:00

Fernando Pessoa is an accomplished author. It is thought that 25,426 documents constitute his archives. The interesting thing about him is that he created multiple characters- at least 72 of who are known. Fascinatingly, these characters are not in his books, they are writing his books. They each have their distinct personalities and biographies, some of which are close to Pessoa’s and some differ greatly. He wrote poetry and nonfiction from the voices of these various “authors,” including the wonderfully written collection of prose manuscripts, The Book of Disquietude by Bernardo Soares.

The idea of Pessoa’s characters is enthralling. I would venture to say that most of us have not consciously created characters outside of ourselves, yet our three-dimensional personalities are intricately complex. It is not possible to express all of our layers and facets all the time, nor would we want to. Therefore, we inevitably have many character traits hiding within us at any given time. What aspects are sitting below your surface?

Sometimes it’s hard for me to know that there are parts inside of me that others cannot see. At the same time, I know that there is purpose in the way we work. It allows us to function and enter various situations without pressure and vulnerability. There is comfort in staying a mystery and being the only one to fully understand who I am. There is choice and selectivity within my world and it is a special privilege for someone to be allowed to witness the parts that only come out in intimate moments. I thank the people that allow me this privilege in their worlds. I cherish these people who share their depths and make up the richness of my life.

encourage the unspoken

2006-12-04T10:02:00.000-08:00

I just returned from a magical weekend away with my mom and my sister. We talked and talked and talked- mainly because I couldn’t stop :) When you spend extended time with someone, you have enough time to get past the catch-up. This weekend, I had the honor of hearing new and interesting ideas and beliefs- not only from my two lovelies, but from myself as well.

How do we get to this place with those we love, when we are so busy and only have time for weekly conversations or coffee when we can squeeze it in? We all have so many thoughts and opinions about the world around us. Even when we do spend time with people, we can get so trapped in our daily lives and problems, that we don’t allow ourselves the space to explore our thoughts about religion, spirituality, meaning, philosophy, or our passions. We may not even take the time to discuss our thoughts on the color orange, how many books we have on our shelves that have gone unread, the first thoughts in our minds when we first wake, or the meaning behind the pictures and quotes we surround ourselves with.

I hope to encourage these conversations that so often escape our attention. To push the boundaries we set up to function on a daily basis. I believe that we can catch up with joy and relish our exploration of what lies beyond.

A Poet’s Process

2006-12-01T08:41:00.000-08:00

Poetry Thursday’s prompt this week is: If These Walls Could Talk. I struggled with this topic for some reason. I kept thinking about all the things that walls could say. They could be encouraging, understanding, imaginative, solemn, silent, etc… I thought I would show you my different attempts and the final product. It came out much differently than I would have thought, but the poet’s process is to let the muse flow.

*******

I get you, you say
But there are so many parts of me, I reply
I see you, you say
But I am hiding, I reply
I hear you, you say
But I am silent, I reply
I accept you, you say
But I do not accept myself, I reply
I have faith, you say
Thank you, I reply

*******

If these walls could talk
Then I could engage
With their wisdom and sage
They could announce their reds and blues
With conviction and delight

*******

If these walls could talk
My feet would not sink through clouds
I could know their secrets
Their moments of witness
I could hear the truth
And tell it
I could play with struggle and realness

*******

(beginning of a sonnet)

Hush now, I will tell you a fairytale
A magic cottage sits among the trees
Swarming with stars and moons avail
I beckon you to enter if you please
The walls will join us for a cup of tea
And speak of hidden secrets deep inside
Of solitude and yens to flee

*******

Be quiet, they would say
Listen to the creak of the rocking chair
Wait patiently for the scream of the kettle
The beckoning whisper of the couch

*******

Newly constructed, my painted skin reflected
The naiveté in your blushed cheeks
I observed cups of chamomile and girly giggles
The stillness of sweet intimacy covering harsh histories

Slowly, silence grew louder, echoed harder
Frustrations fell in chipped pieces from my ceiling
My walls unwilling participants
Of broken china and crushed bones
I witnessed cycles spinning fast
Into knees begging for kind acceptance
Needing relief to reach the core
Where all goodness settles

I wept for the innocence lost from your eyes
Watching it linger in the air for a brief moment
Before its final escape through the screen door

Hush now, lean against me
I will hold you, for time has made me brave
Let us quiet together
And sigh.

one word, no explanation

2006-11-30T10:11:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by Jessie. It seems like a cool idea- that I don't have the option to explain myself. Our lives are spent experiencing things and then trying to convey and explain what happened. It can be so tiring sometimes. So, here is my attempt at not explaining. Just knowing that people can interpret my words however they want. They can use their own experiences to imagine what I mean.

One word. No explanation.

1. Yourself: blessed
2. Your partner: coming
3. Your hair: messy
4. Your mother: precious
5. Your father: huggable
6. Your favorite item: notebook
7. Your dream last night: blind
8. Your favorite drink: tea
9. Your dream car: hybrid
10. The room you are in: yellow
11. Your ex: Acapulco
12. Your fear: infertility
13. What you want to be in 10 years: present
14. Who you hung out with last night: stars
15. What you're not: simple
16. Muffins: carrot
17: One of your wish list items: buttons
18: Time: mine
19. The last thing you did: cooked
20. What you are wearing: scarf
21. Your favorite weather: raindrops
22. Your favorite book: Sylvia
23. The last thing you ate: soft
24. Your life: imperfect
25. Your mood: fluctuating
26. Your best friend: kind
27. What you're thinking about right now: coffee
28. Your car: green
29. What you are doing at the moment: shivering
30. Your summer: strolls
31. Your relationship status: sola
32. What is on your TV: scrubs
33. What is the weather like: covers
34. When was the last time you laughed: loudly

things you can't control

2006-11-28T10:59:00.000-08:00

1. moods and madness

2. other people's thoughts and feelings

3. when the sun decides to come out and play

4. how your hair will curl on a certain day

5. the different ways the same cup of morning coffee will affect you

6. the multitude of annoying ads in your favorite magazine

7. your computer freezing and restarting before you have saved everything

8. how quickly a candle will burn

9. how long laughter or tears will last

10. crazy dreams in deep slumbers

11. random invitations from friends to be silly and delirious

12. the surprise when people accept you for exactly who you are

13. the absolute messiness of life

stars all around

2006-11-24T12:11:00.000-08:00

While we were all peeling apples for my mom's apple crumble, I remembered a dear story:

An apple tree grows in a forest under near some tall oak trees. At night, the apple tree sees stars through the branches of the oak trees, and is jealous of the stars, thinking herself not beautiful. A voice tells her to be patient, to wait, and she will see that she too has stars. The apple tree doesn't believe, and continues to stare up at the oak trees and the stars in their branches. Fall comes, and the apple tree sheds her apples, and one of them splits, revealing a star at its core, and the apple tree finally understands.

I learned this story a few years ago and it has always resonated with me. To think about what is really inside of us and inside of others. To remember that we need to be patient (I'm not very good at that). And to know that beauty lies all around us.

dwell in blessing

2006-11-22T09:54:00.000-08:00

We often use the word dwell in a negative way, i.e. to dwell on something. However, the meaning according to Merriam-Webster is "to keep the attention directed."

With Thanksgiving coming tomorrow, I have been thinking about dwelling in blessing. For me, this is a daily challenge. How do I dwell in blessing and live my blessings at the same time? How do you do this? The best way I know to dwell in blessing is to acknowledge them- as much as I can- aloud and in silence.

My brother and sister are incredible human beings on this earth- I often dwell in this blessing. They accept me for all that I am and love me for exactly that. How does one express their appreciation for something or someone, if they have no words to express? When I think of my love for my sweet siblings, all that comes are tears. My love for them makes my heart swell.

Let us all dwell in our daily blessings. May others dwell in the blessings that we contribute to their lives as well.

Peace.

My first sonnet

2006-11-18T16:49:00.000-08:00

I have been reading Edna St. Vincent Millay's work and decided to try my hand at a sonnet. Here it goes:

Sonnet I

Shall I begin a sonnet with a quest?
Will it become the rhyme I want?
With ups and downs do words form lyrics best?
If I sit penning ink’s creative font?
Will love’s sensation be revealed?
Read through the present passion I can build?
Or will it stay like a secret concealed?
Will time predict the empty pages filled?
The rooted faith inside me grows
Feet firmly planted in the ground
Rejoice! My first sonnet like water flows
With all the words that I have found
Softly I rest my head and go to bed
Happy and quite content with what I’ve read

Somebody Loved

2006-11-17T08:38:00.000-08:00

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's loves illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

I woke up singing these words by Joni Mitchell. Sometimes I wish Joni were sitting next to me reciting her poetry and strumming her guitar. It is an odd feeling to know that there was a period of time when you would have fit in perfectly- and it was before you were born. I am not saying that I don't fit in now, but I often long to be with all the early folk singers and stay up all night and create.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a lovely day filled with blessings and much love. It is a pretty amazing thing- to be loved. To know that you have a special place in people's hearts. I do a lot of loving myself, but yesterday, I tried to just take it in. As The Weepies say, to be somebody loved.

Liar, liar, pants on fire

2006-11-16T12:15:00.000-08:00

Here is my entry for this week's Poetry Thursday. Yeah for today!

Green shirts are really red
They cover long limbs and longer lies
Cages made of yarn tuck me in at night
Comfort under the knitted covers
Flowers grow in the ocean
Rooted in waves and salt
Dots misconnect and misfire in the morning
Creating armies of tiredness
Tea drips slowly through my eyes
Herbal remedies to soothe the cheeks
Children wear wigs of brown and gold
To cover the gray
Ink forever flows from my fingertips
The pen, merely an instrument of illusion
Time never runs away
It trots along side of us as we move through the world
Love hides and disappears when we need it most
Behind rocks and clouds and struggles
Today is NOT my birthday!!

I believe...

2006-11-15T09:19:00.000-08:00

After reading Andrea Scher's blog, I decided to do a little believing myself.

I believe in red shoes.
I believe in morning walks and pretty flowers dressed in blue.

I believe in yummy yarn and crafty textures.

I believe in the goodness of people.

I believe in public transportation.

I believe in love and sweet words from women I hold close.

Poetry Thursday

2006-11-09T15:56:00.000-08:00

This is my first time participating in Poetry Thursday. I wrote this poem on my artist date after I saw my dear friend Carol. Enjoy!

There is nothing more beautiful
Than barns and beached whales
Unaware of the grace
In purple broken wings
Touched by blessing and might

Whales begin from a place of strength
Babies in water
Floating swimming struggling
Gliding close alongside mothers
Coming up for new air
Made of sparks and oxygen
Seeing land and pushing away
Unafraid of large seas
And unexplored regions of the heart

poetry

live to the point

2006-11-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

I am constantly inspired by this amazing book that a friend so kindly gave me last year. I definitely live to the point of tears. It's a scary place, but I don't really know any other. Today, I am going to write 3 poems. That is my goal. It may take me to a place of tears, but I am kind of hoping not. I had enough tears this weekend.

When we live to the point, do we have to know what that "point" is? I am not sure what that "point" is for me yet. At moments, I have glimpses of it- love, community, meaning, laughter, emotion, evolution, God, playing, saving, fixing, helping... Most of the time, I think that the "point" is the present. To be present. It can be as difficult to find yourself in the present as it is to find the point. My present is filled with beauty and blessings. I am constantly pushing myself to live within those and not in lands of worry and doubt and fear. I wish we all talked about the point a little bit more. Sometimes, I am not sure that people really want to find the point. There is much comfort in just living, without thinking.

Well, I am off to write and sit with my present. Deep breath. Here I go...

living light

2006-11-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have been trying to live light- to feel light on my feet, to appreciate the light, to let it come inside, to see it in others, to know that it is behind the clouds even if I can't see it. This is my first time submitting an entry for http://www.photofriday.com. Living light is harder than it seems. Especially now that the days are shorter and the night seems darker.

10 Ways I Create My Own Light:

1. Dance in my kitchen and twirl on my tippy toes
2. Think about sunny memories
3. Laugh loudly with friends
4. Stand up straight as if I have wings on my back
5. Sit quietly and be
6. Remember that there is much light to find in darkness
7. Be open to new people
8. Combining words into poems
9. Paint in yellows and oranges
10. Smile at strangers on the street

Stencils

2006-10-31T09:35:00.000-08:00

I have taken to using stencils lately. I just paint through the spaces and magically, letters emerge. I am sure this says so much about where I am with things in my life. Trying to somehow understand the space that I have to work with. Knowing the boundaries that are set up by our society and those I put up for myself. There is a purpose for outlines and edges, they help us maintain our sense of control and sanity. We do, however, have the ability to create new spaces and play with the colors.

Lately, I have been in browns and reds. The seasons are changing and things are falling. When things fall, I can only assume that others rise. I am rising as a budding writer. I have to believe that. I am tripping and slipping, but I keep trying to find my footing in this new forest. The woods around me are dark. There is a different kind of air. I am breathing deeply and hoping that there is magic to be found there.

Practice Patience

2006-10-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

Self Portrait 10/18/06

This weekend was filled with waiting, some of which was with friends and in other moments, I was alone. It is possible that there is no meaning to it at all. But, being the meaning metaphor seeker that I am, I couldn't help but think about the message from the universe. I am definitely living a life of beauty and blessing. However, there are certain elements that I am waiting for. This patience thing is really hard. Harder than I would have expected. Mostly because I am constantly struggling with feeling like I shouldn't want anything and that I need to appreciate each moment of the process.

Two varying scenarios happened over the past few days- one in which I waited and was rewarded. The other, I became very impatient and left the situation, proving frustration and empowerment. So, which is it? Should I wait patiently and hope that good things will come, and taste even sweeter? Should I take action to create new paths in order to feel some semblance of control?

The thing here is the practicing piece. Either way, the reality is that I just need to practice living with waiting. Living in the state of unknown and fear. Today, I am calling upon my huge chunk of faith to pull me through this waiting, to help me practice patience gracefully.

Cosmic Toilet Paper

2006-10-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

Tell me this isn't the most perfect horoscope! I couldn't believe it myself. I am going to save this and apply it to any crappy week or time period. I saw this in the SF Guardian. It fits so well, like a crazy jagged puzzle piece.

Some days I feel like I sit on the "throne of insecurity." The trick is to sit up straight and to be confident, even in my insecurity. As the week ends, my posture is stronger and my heart is recommitted to my queendom.

Sundrops

2006-10-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

It's funny how we can feel raindrops on our cheeks, but not sundrops. It is hard to concretely feel the sunshine sometimes. I want to let it soak in, to feel it in my veins. It's not that easy though. How do we let in the joy? I have been thinking so much about joy and pain lately. I have this myth in my head that if we experience pain, then we should experience the same amount of joy. I am beginning to realize that it may not be true. If it isn't true, how do I justify the pain? I know that we can never see the whole picture- who knows what our lives will bring? Yet, I do know that we get to hold and play with the current picture. Today, I will venture into the sun to play. I will be silly and laugh from my belly.

Sugar Lovin'

2006-10-16T18:41:00.000-07:00

I just spoke with one of my close friends. She is an amazing woman filled with grace and goodness. She always gives me the sweet sugar lovin' that I need. I guess I needed some lovin' tonight. An evening filled with the struggle to find my place in the world. Sometimes good music, tea and friends can help ease the intensity of the overwhelm. There is a slow motion to this struggle. A path, dependent only on time.

Mary Oliver says it beautifully:

Daisies

It is possible, I suppose that sometime
we will learn everything
there is to learn: what the world is, for example,
and what it means. I think this as I am crossing
from one field to another, in summer, and the
mockingbird is mocking me, as one who either
knows enough already or knows enough to be
perfectly content not knowing. Song being born
of quest he knows this: he must turn silent
were he suddenly assaulted with answers. Instead
oh hear his wild, caustic, tender warbling ceaselessly
unanswered. At my feet the white-petalled daisies display
the small suns of their center piece, their - if you don't
mind my saying so - their hearts. Of course
I could be wrong, perhaps their hearts are pale and
narrow and hidden in the roots. What do I know?
But this: it is heaven itself to take what is given,
to see what is plain; what the sun lights up willingly;
for example - I think this
as I reach down, not to pick but merely to touch -
the suitability of the field for the daisies, and the
daisies for the field.

Wood and Water

2006-09-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about wood and water lately. I did some surfing and serendipitously found a poem by one of my women- Sylvia Plath. Here it is:

Dark Wood, Dark Water

This wood burns a dark
Incense. Pale moss drips
In elbow-scarves, beards

From the archaic
Bones of the great trees.
Blue mists move over

A lake thick with fish.
Snails scroll the border
Of the glazed water

With coils of ram's-horn.
Out in the open
Down there the late year

Hammers her rare and
Various metals.
Old pewter roots twist

Up from the jet-backed
Mirror of water
And while the air's clear

Hourglass sifts a
Drift of goldpieces
Bright waterlights are

Sliding their quoits one
After the other
Down boles of the fir.

moonbath

2006-07-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

I have been craving a moonbath. The summers in San Francisco just aren't condusive to bathing in the moonlight. Alas, I will have to settle for my clean sheets and warm covers. Everyone says that today is the first day of the rest of your life. I think that is true for most days, but for me, the rest of my life starts tomorrow night. I don't know how it will turn out, but that is the exciting part- the possibilities that lie ahead...

Darkness and Light

2006-07-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

Can the darkness and light exist together? When I close my eyes at night, I wonder if the two blend or if the darkness completely overwhelms the light. Actually, I think that we can't experience one without the other. Something is not completely good or entirely bad. We can't have the beauty without the chaos and vice versa. Someone once said that our eyes are made up of darkness and light, yet we can only see out of the darkness. There is much truth in that. As I struggle right now with my life's challenges, I see both the black and the white. Instead of trying to blur them and live in the gray, as we tend to, I am aiming to live in both- the fear and the joy, the known and the unknown.

What does it feel like to sit in this fear? Which is easier to sit with, joy, fear, sadness? Why do such strong emotions exist, if our beings can't handle experiencing them? So many thoughts... I shall return to you, my new blog, soon enough. But, now I must return to my ever shifting life and my struggle to keep from muting the black and the white.