falling in

Do you know the feeling you get when you fall into bed at night and just sink in? The one where you let your body become one with the mattress? That feeling right there is the exact opposite of anxiety. When we are anxious, our bodies tense up, even when we don't realize it. But, in that moment when we get into bed, we fall into relaxation. We get a sense of our physical presence and let our breath go into every crevice and part.

Whenever I have been feeling anxious, instead of tensing up, I have been trying to fall into my body. When I do it, the feeling is wondrous. It brings me to a serene and calm place where I can think with a clear head and not let fear or anxiety lead the way. This is such a hard challenge for me. For some reason, lately my natural inclination seems to be to clench, hold my breath, and let my thoughts swirl. By feeling the sensation of falling into my body, I remember how to be present in each moment.

If you take a deep breath right now and let it out slowly, you can get a small sense of the feeling. Even though letting go may be what we fight against, in some cases, falling in might be exactly what we need.

big unknowns

A friend told me recently that she would rather know little things than big things. Sometimes when I think about the big unknowns in my life, I get caught up in the what ifs and the worries. What is it about the big unknowns that really gets me? The fear? The unsteadiness? The lack of control? All of these aspects are present but big unknowns also leave room for exploring, space, messiness and especially newness. When I think about the big unknowns of my past, yes they have been scary, but they have been filled with far more potentiality than when life gets routinized and structured (not that we don't need that too).

One thing that I need to remember when I get overwhelmed are the things that I am sure of. When it comes down to it, I know who I am. I know what I love. I know who my community and my family are. I also need to remember that we are never truly in control of anything. We must bring our skills and tools with us as we navigate through life, but we need to surrender to every unknown that comes our way.

Are you up for the challenge? Are you ready to enter your big unknowns through a lens of curiosity, possibility, and surrender?

enough

It can be hard to truly believe that we are enough in this world- to believe that we are exactly who we are supposed to be. Can you begin to trust that this is true? Another person may have told you or tried to convince you of this. Even if someone has attempted to do so, it is not someone else's job to say or believe it. The reality is, it is your job.

To believe that we are enough means that we accept that we are lovable. Why is that so very hard for us? Why do we resist the idea that we too deserve what is good and kind in this world?

What is stopping you from accepting yourself for exactly who are? If you don't already believe it, think about what it would take to truly love yourself and believe that you are enough. Take a moment to really be with this- because this truth really does lie within you.

transfer grace

The idea that we all hold grace is a beautiful one. The far more splendid notion is that we realize this and bring it to all of our interactions with one another.

The word grace derives from the Latin root 'gratia' meaning 'pleasing quality, good will, gratitude and effortless beauty.' Even with high ambitions, it is unrealistic to think that we can relate to others with these qualities all the time.

This is where transferring grace enters the picture. If we can bring kindness and gratitude to interactions, then we must be able to receive them as well. Therefore we can consider grace to be contagious. By giving and accepting grace through our connections with others, we do not have to carry the burden of constantly remembering to deliver goodness, nor do we have the right to blame others for their seeming lack of good will. We can have faith in the cycle of grace, both acknowledged and unseen.

As we embark on a new year, let us become more conscious of the grace that lies within us and welcome this cycle with openness and intention.

just lovely

The word "lovely" has somehow snuggled in and found a cozy spot in my daily vocabulary. So often we want to recount experiences with bright descriptive language to create a vivid picture for another's imagination. In a very contented way, the word lovely has become a simple expression of a sense of sweetness, whether it is about a person, an encounter or a moment in time.

I went away with my mom and sister a couple of weekends ago. We had a lovely time. It was a weekend of laughter, relaxation and appreciation. I could paint pictures here of extraordinary dinners and delicious conversations. But what keeps coming to my mind, as the most memorable moments are those where we are just enjoying each other's company and taking in the fullness of life.

Right now in my life, "lovely" is perfect. "Lovely" is all I want. It is all I am expecting and hoping for. And in turn, what the world is thankfully giving me.

Living

Another year has circled- my birthday is this week. A quote by Zora Neale Hurston keeps running through my mind, "There are years that ask questions and years that answer." This year was a year filled with questions- about life, faith, surrender, courage and meaning. And I have certainly done my best to do as Rainer Maria Rilke challenges: "Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now."

For me, living the questions without searching for answers is about accepting what is and understanding that like everything, I am in process and the goal of that process is to continue the process. It seems ironic that we are endlessly in search of solid answers that can really only be found in the constant movement of it all. Change is everywhere and in everything- in nature, in our breath, in relationships and for that matter, in the answers as well.

Is your year one of searching or one more of a settled nature? What does living the questions mean to you? Do you know what your questions are? How does it feel to accept that you might not find the answers?

If you struggle with these questions and your own- I commend you. You are open and living and in process. Now, smile and enjoy the moment, this is it!

opening up

If we all said everything on our minds the world would be a pretty noisy place. Our thoughts are textured with emotions, judgments, beliefs and ideas. As social creatures we need to communicate with others. The questions is- which pieces do we choose to share and with whom?

Each day we encounter and speak with many different people. But our most intimate thoughts are saved for particular people- safe people. And even then, we still have to evaluate how our precious ideas and viewpoints will be heard, listened to and reflected upon. It can be difficult to open up to others and we all hold the fear of being hurt and rejected.

Do you have safe people to share with? If not, where can you find and nurture those relationships? What pieces of your self are you willing to open up about? What are the qualities you look for in a person with whom you are willing to share? Do you foster those traits within yourself?

As you ponder these questions, consider one more- is there someone I can share my answers with?

too much time

As you may have noticed, I haven't blogged for some time- in my opinion, too much time. There have been a lot of changes and new things in my life and somehow I continue to convince myself that I am too busy to blog. When I have sat down to write, my good intentions have gotten swayed by daily distractions and to do lists.

It's funny that I've entitled this blog entry 'too much time,' when for the most part, I've felt like there just isn't enough of it. Where does it go? The days are good. But they still seem to go by and the filled pages of my calendar get flipped as if they were pages in a book instead of moments I've lived. I wonder about these pages, these words. Do I fill my life with too many appointments, obligations or even time with people I love? Lately, I have even been scheduling time to relax- what a bizarre concept!

Last weekend I went walking among the redwoods in Muir Woods. I saw a Blue Heron in the creek. He moved with grace and majesty. As he lifted each leg and placed it in the water, he created space and silence. This beautiful creature, in his very existence, has an understanding of time that we strive for through things like meditation and taking time to breathe.

Seeing the Blue Heron reminded me that there is a balance to be found between too much and too little time. No matter how busy our lives get, there is always room for stillness and rest. And now, I bid you to go find some and I will too.

lost and found

During the past few weeks there has been a lot of loss and anniversary of loss in my life. Thinking about these losses has triggered thoughts about what might be found. When we lose a loved one, do we only find sadness, pain or a deep unexplainable space? Is it possible that we can search beyond this space to a new place of found things?

One thing we may find is a memory bank which we can visit. With people who are alive, we call up memories every once in a while, but not usually with any sort of intention. When a person dies, we tend to gather together a collection of memories that we can draw upon any time we need or want to connect with our loved one. I have always appreciated this gift very much.

Another thing we may find is a renewed sense of strength and compassion that we didn't know we had. These traits live inside of us and only have the opportunity to shine in times like these.

A third thing may be a new way to navigate the world. Whether we like it or not our world changes when a loved one dies. We therefore find new ways to deal with and approach the positive and negative situations that life presents us with.

What things have you found things in the midst of loss? Have you found strength you didn't know you had? When we have loss in our lives, we are drawn to focus on the loss itself. If it isn't too painful, take a few minutes to think of the things you may have found as well.

spice it up

Have you ever felt that your life is boring? I have. Sometimes I feel like I do the same things day after day. As humans, we tend to get stuck in the same routines without even noticing it. We get up, make our beds, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean the house, have similar conversations, etc. There is definitely purpose and safety in this structure we create. It gives order to this chaos we call life. Yet, this doesn't mean that our set patterns don't get old and bore us at times. When they do, we realize that we must spice things up.

How can we do this? For starters, we can add interesting activities like classes, lectures, concerts, etc. We can also think of innovative ways to bring newness to our relationships, whether it is with a partner, a friend or a family member. The other thing we can do is to bring freshness to the small details of life that only we notice. We might add cinnamon to our coffee, buy a piece of clothing or jewelry, listen to some new music, try a new recipe or buy flowers for our living space.

You may be quite content right now with the level of spice in your life. If not, how will you choose to spice up your days and nights? What ways resonate with and feel manageable to you? If you aren't sure, make it an adventure. Your only risk will be the spices you will encounter along the way!

perfect timing

When I sit down to have a cup of tea, I always wait for the perfect window when the temperature is neither too hot nor too cool. If I drink hastily, I burn my tongue. If I wait too long, my tea is cold. So, how do I know when the timing is just right?

Is this how it is with life? Are there windows of opportunity that are only open for periods of time and if we don't grab them we miss out? One problem with this theory is that we may not know when the window is open. Another is that if we do not take advantage of an opportunity, we may end up living in a world of regret.

I think opportunities are about faith. Having faith that the right moments will arise when we are ready to enjoy them. I can think of life as missed opportunities or I can choose to see it as a series of perfect timings. If I view my life from this perspective, I am more able to accept not only where I am in life, but who I am as well.

How do you look at opportunities? Do you have regrets about not accepting those that have been offered to you? The wonderful thing about having faith in perfect timing, is that when it is perfect- it just is.

have courage

In Latin, the word cor is the root for the word coraticum which means heart. This is the known etymology for the word courage, which is also translated as with heart. The root cor is also seen in the Old French corage, and later found its way into the English word courage.

I often use the expression 'have courage.' For me, having courage means to take life head on- with passion, lust, vigor and bravery. The irony is that when I need to live life such vitality, I tend to be stumbling or in need of support in some way. It is in these moments, when I am reminded of the origin of the word courage. I return to the idea of living 'with heart' and I am renewed. The notion that courage is synonymous with heart reinforces the fact that courage comes from an inner strength that I carry with me all the time.

Are you able to 'have courage' when you are going through a hard time? Can you look within your own heart and see the courage there? Even if you don't think so, it's there- believe me, it's there.

beautiful question

Are you a curious person? I am definitely one who questions. I want to get to the bottom of things- to know the truth behind it all. One of my mentors said, "The most beautiful question is: What is the real answer?" When he said this, I immediately asked myself, what IS the real answer? Is there ever a real answer? If so, how do we find it?

Sometimes the "real answer" isn't easy to come to, especially when the question is an important one with larger consequences. When I hear the words "real answer" I tend to think, "right answer." But I think it is more than that. The "right answer" is about what is logical and rational. The "real answer" is what is solid and grounded- what is natural. For me, the process of finding what is "real" takes time. I can't make a pros and cons list or just sort it out. I must sit with the question and wait patiently for the answer.

Are you searching for "real answers" in your life right now? How will you allow the natural answers to arise? I encourage you to continue questioning and searching. Inevitably, the beautiful questions will be revealed and real answers will emerge.

easy people

I spent the afternoon with a good friend and as we walked, we spoke about the concept of "easy people." The Nields, a great folk duo, sum it up perfectly when they sing:

And I choose you to take up all of my time
I choose you because you're funny and kind
I want easy people from now on

I definitely crave easy people in my life, but who doesn't? The thing is though, surrounding ourselves with "easy people" doesn't necessarily mean surrounding ourselves with people who we don't have complex relationships with. In fact, I would dare to say that the easiest of people come from relationships that both people have invested time and energy to build a solid foundation. From there, both people can "sink into easy" as my friend put it. There is an ease with which they can be themselves because they feel both valued and understood.

I love the concept of easy people- and of choosing them. Have you chosen easy people in your life? How do we go about getting to the point of "easiness"? As you think about your relationships, which ones bring a smile to your face? Which ones do you want to be easier?

I hope we can all find easy people and without even knowing it- be the easy person for others.

setting the bar

In school, I always strived to get all A's. But who didn't, right? Now, even though I haven't been in school for years, I still hold the bar very high for myself- sometimes even too high for my own good. Lately, I am realizing that I put a lot of pressure on myself to live up to some idea of what I should be doing with my life. (So much so, that it trickles over into my blog to the extent that sometimes I have trouble posting because I feel like my words and art aren't "good enough").

As I have shared some of these thoughts aloud with my friends and family, I have discovered that it is only internal pressure. No one is watching me or disappointed in me. It is me who is expecting this high level of achievement and standard. That being said, it is not negative to set the bar high. However, we do need to be forgiving and allow ourselves permission to meet the bar where it seems to be settling at any given moment.

Are you setting the bar too high for yourself? Too low? Perhaps, you are feeling just right. If you are struggling with this like I am, I think the key to remember, like most things, is that we need to be more than okay with where we are- we need to embrace it.

i forgive myself

I have recently started a practice of saying, "I forgive myself" each night as I go to sleep. A friend introduced the idea to me and I thought it would be an interesting ritual to adopt. So far, it has been quite difficult. Not the saying it part, but truly believing the words- to completely forgive myself for everything I have done during the day. So much happens in one day, and as I'm sure you know intimately, we are our own harshest critics.

I think that there are two parts to forgiving ourselves. The first is acknowledging the interactions during the day that we would have changed and the second is letting go of our judgments. That being said, I have found it to be stressful to acknowledge all the pieces of the day that I wish could have been different. I have chosen to spend time on "letting go." As I lie in bed and say those three words, "I forgive myself," I let myself deeply sigh and try to take in the meaning.

Are there barriers preventing you from forgiving yourself? Are there ways we can help each other in this process? Even though it is a struggle, I hope that we are all on a path towards true forgiveness.

minds that worry

I am proud to tell you that two more of my poems were recently published in Word Riot. You can see them here. Here is one of the poems:

Waiting

All my life
I've never known
The burden
Stiff and worn
That sits
In minds
That worry

In rereading the poem, I wonder what I was thinking when I wrote it. Why would I write that I've never known the burden of a mind that worries? I worry all the time! When I was little, my parents used to call me the "Worried Walrus," a nickname taken from a Sweet Pickles book (a children's book series, now out of print). In the book, Worried Walrus is so concerned about the future and what might happen, that he misses out on the gift of the present.

Our minds naturally drift towards the future and the possibilities, both good and bad that might happen. There is definitely purpose in this, and still it is essential to bring our minds back and be mindful of the present. When we can completely participate in the present, we can fully enjoy what life has to offer. It seems simple enough, right? Not quite. It is a lot to ask of ourselves- to go from being in our heads to completely participating in the moment. Right now, I am working on just noticing when I am worrying or spending time in my thoughts and not in the situation. Eventually, the noticing will naturally evolve into participation in the now.

I invite you to think about the burden of worry in your mind and if you would like to change it. What steps can you take? And most of all... what is waiting for you in the present?

crazy wild words

In my poetry class this week, we had two poets talk with us about their processes. One poet spoke about how she is a perfectionist and has to feel completely satisfied with a line before she can move on to the next. The other poet shared about how he just keeps writing and revises later.

Lately, I have been feeling stuck. My words aren't flowing like they have in the past. It is not for lack of inspiration or creativity. In the moment of interaction between the pen and paper, my self-judgment and self-criticism swoop in with a vengeance and paralyze me.

One method I have been using to deal with this problem is to start writing and let the words take control. So, here is me, letting go, spilling words and not being afraid to fail on the page:

Crazy wild words riding bareback on brown horses through meadows soft with pansies fit to do nothing but look flimsy and act flimsier in no contention and fight against the raging wind in a gust of gusto and anger against the night sky. Oh, the fights they have. The dreams they devour. They eat each other's guts with the pleasure of fine guests at the most desirous of restaurants, sitting politely at tables set for twenty using freshly pressed napkins to wipe slobbery spit from their drooling mouths.

yours to hold

Sometimes it's hard to admit or to say out loud that we are special or have wonderful qualities. Maybe it is just that we are humble or that in our society we are taught not to shout our amazing attributes from the rooftops. For some reason, it seems much more common to hear people putting themselves down than singing their own praises.

In a way, just knowing our special qualities is enough. It is almost like having magical superpowers. We have secrets that no one else knows, until we choose to share them. In that way, we are in control of whom we share with and how much we choose to reveal. These beautiful aspects are yours to cherish and hold close.

What are your amazing qualities? Do you acknowledge your spectacular characteristics? Do you reveal them often? Of course, it is up to you, who you choose to share with, but remember, it would be our privilege to be present when you do.

in between

The Jewish holiday of Passover begins on Monday night. The retelling of the story of the exodus of the Jewish people from Egypt asks us to identify with the theme of going from slavery to freedom.

I have always been taken by the idea that often we talk about going from slavery to freedom, as if it is a quick jaunt from one to the other. It is true that physically, one goes from being enslaved to being free. However, going from an emotional or spiritual state of enslavement to a state of freedom is a much longer process.

At most points in our lives, we are probably somewhere in the "in between." We can remember what it feels like to be in the difficult place and we can imagine ourselves free of hardship. Yet, in order to become emotionally and spiritually free of these burdens, we must go through the "in between"- a place of struggle, confusion, growth, potential and healing.

Are you in a state of "in between"? What is it like? Can you feel the potential and growth? Is it painful? Do you have others who will support you? As you ponder these questions, think about one more- where can I find beauty and joy in the "in between"?