water tapping

Here is my poem for Poetry Thursday:


Water Tapping

Water taps wanting to come in
To sit in the cozy warmth of my little cottage
Is it too much to dream of having a little cottage?
That my senses would be filled with licorice and light?
Oh, I wish I had a cottage surrounded by amber and wood
Rippling with secrets bound up in wordless moments
The cottage would be mine to play and whisper and shout
I would whee and whoop and hollar in my all-alone space
It would burst with time and notions and color
My cottage would rock me to sleep
Through brassy harmonies and smooth sighs
It would support my legs in the present
And retreat when necessary
I would not need a holiday from my lovely cottage
In no way need to vacate my magical space
Made of marshmallows and teardrops
The tea would brew and the coffee would steep
Among flowers and bright purples waiting
To embrace me like a fine rain

things I do

I thought I'd catch you all up to speed about the "things I do" section on the side of my blog. There are many bloggers out there who know what this is all about, but I know that there are many people who read my blog who aren't as familiar with the lingo. So, here are the things I do:

1. Poetry Thursday: Poetry Thursday is a website that gives a weekly prompt and people on blogs everywhere write poetry on the topic. See my poems here. Is today Thursday already? Wow- I better write a poem!

2. Kindblog: I am a member of a group of bloggers who follow an ethical and moral code that states: By posting this badge, I'm declaring that in addition to humour, intelligence, wit, sadness, snarkiness, passion, exuberance, peace, stillness, excitability, anger or any other emotion you may witness on my site: 1) I will never intentionally hurt other people, whether I know them or not, whether they blog or not, whether they're celebrities or not, either through my words or my images. It's just not my style; and 2) I hope that by the time you've clicked away from my site, I've helped in some way to make your day just a little bit better.

3. Blogger Chicks: I am a part of a group of women bloggers. There are tons of blogger chicks out there. Check out the list on the side of my blog. Isn't the logo cute?

5 things

5 thing I enjoyed this weekend:

1. Lovely lights lit up in little houses with lively laughter

2. People in a square fitting like a circle, gathered like presents around the tree.

3. Time and joy with my nurturing family

4. Mochas made with marshmallows mmm...

5. Orange scarves on heads with wild curls

I was thinking about the light this season. It seems practically impossible not to notice the lights around us. The darkness creates a backdrop for the lights that makes their shine incredible. Yet another reason the darkness can be beautiful. It frames light in a way we almost can't describe. We can only enjoy...

all tied up

I've been tied up for the last week or so. I guess those hard days got to me. But, I'm back and ready for my life as a blogger to continue.

The topic for today is buttons. I have been seeing lots of button projects on various blogs. I'm really excited about this idea of collecting them and creating crafty things with them (pictures to come!) The idea of buttons happens to fit in perfectly with the idea of being all tied up.

What happens when the thread that is holding our buttons starts to fray? How do we handle it when our thread is pulled too tight? What if our buttons don't match? Do we even want them to match?

Sometimes I want all of my buttons to be black or white and sometimes shades of blue and green seem to fit my mood. There are moments when big yellow buttons are exactly what I want to show and other days when I wish they were invisible all together. There are so many possibilities wtih colors, shapes and sizes.

I guess I like to just be aware of my buttons and know that I have the power to change them.

Okay, that's it for me. I'm all buttoned out :)

Hard Days

You know those days? The ones that you know will be tough from the minute the alarm goes off. They happen. And they have been happening to me lately. So, I have created a list of tools to get through those days. If you have any to add, please leave them in the comment section. The winter solstice is coming. The days will become longer and more light will surround us. There is something so comforting about cycles. Even though there are hard days, the inevitability of easy ones remains.

Tools:

~ drink lovely cups of tea
~ listen to soothing music
~ enjoy thoughtful blogs
~ read fabulous books
~ write poems
~ allow myself to receive love from my good friends and loving family
~ watch candles glow
~ look at pretty pictures in cookbooks

in the arms of leaves

On my walk today, the song "Arms of a Woman" by Amos Lee kept running through my head. I was thinking about the flowers and how they are loved and protected by the leaves. The deep greens and smooth shapes have the pleasure of growing alongside such beauty. The purples and yellows are wrapped gently in the arms of leaves.

Who are we the leaves for? Whose arms are holding us? Do we let them?

Can we be our own leaves? Wrapped in self-love and our naked arms?



Try it. You may just find some comfort there...

Our Characters

Fernando Pessoa is an accomplished author. It is thought that 25,426 documents constitute his archives. The interesting thing about him is that he created multiple characters- at least 72 of who are known. Fascinatingly, these characters are not in his books, they are writing his books. They each have their distinct personalities and biographies, some of which are close to Pessoa’s and some differ greatly. He wrote poetry and nonfiction from the voices of these various “authors,” including the wonderfully written collection of prose manuscripts, The Book of Disquietude by Bernardo Soares.

The idea of Pessoa’s characters is enthralling. I would venture to say that most of us have not consciously created characters outside of ourselves, yet our three-dimensional personalities are intricately complex. It is not possible to express all of our layers and facets all the time, nor would we want to. Therefore, we inevitably have many character traits hiding within us at any given time. What aspects are sitting below your surface?

Sometimes it’s hard for me to know that there are parts inside of me that others cannot see. At the same time, I know that there is purpose in the way we work. It allows us to function and enter various situations without pressure and vulnerability. There is comfort in staying a mystery and being the only one to fully understand who I am. There is choice and selectivity within my world and it is a special privilege for someone to be allowed to witness the parts that only come out in intimate moments. I thank the people that allow me this privilege in their worlds. I cherish these people who share their depths and make up the richness of my life.

encourage the unspoken

I just returned from a magical weekend away with my mom and my sister. We talked and talked and talked- mainly because I couldn’t stop :) When you spend extended time with someone, you have enough time to get past the catch-up. This weekend, I had the honor of hearing new and interesting ideas and beliefs- not only from my two lovelies, but from myself as well.

How do we get to this place with those we love, when we are so busy and only have time for weekly conversations or coffee when we can squeeze it in? We all have so many thoughts and opinions about the world around us. Even when we do spend time with people, we can get so trapped in our daily lives and problems, that we don’t allow ourselves the space to explore our thoughts about religion, spirituality, meaning, philosophy, or our passions. We may not even take the time to discuss our thoughts on the color orange, how many books we have on our shelves that have gone unread, the first thoughts in our minds when we first wake, or the meaning behind the pictures and quotes we surround ourselves with.

I hope to encourage these conversations that so often escape our attention. To push the boundaries we set up to function on a daily basis. I believe that we can catch up with joy and relish our exploration of what lies beyond.

A Poet’s Process

Poetry Thursday’s prompt this week is: If These Walls Could Talk. I struggled with this topic for some reason. I kept thinking about all the things that walls could say. They could be encouraging, understanding, imaginative, solemn, silent, etc… I thought I would show you my different attempts and the final product. It came out much differently than I would have thought, but the poet’s process is to let the muse flow.


*******

I get you, you say
But there are so many parts of me, I reply
I see you, you say
But I am hiding, I reply
I hear you, you say
But I am silent, I reply
I accept you, you say
But I do not accept myself, I reply
I have faith, you say
Thank you, I reply

*******

If these walls could talk
Then I could engage
With their wisdom and sage
They could announce their reds and blues
With conviction and delight

*******

If these walls could talk
My feet would not sink through clouds
I could know their secrets
Their moments of witness
I could hear the truth
And tell it
I could play with struggle and realness

*******

(beginning of a sonnet)

Hush now, I will tell you a fairytale
A magic cottage sits among the trees
Swarming with stars and moons avail
I beckon you to enter if you please
The walls will join us for a cup of tea
And speak of hidden secrets deep inside
Of solitude and yens to flee

*******

Be quiet, they would say
Listen to the creak of the rocking chair
Wait patiently for the scream of the kettle
The beckoning whisper of the couch

*******

Newly constructed, my painted skin reflected
The naiveté in your blushed cheeks
I observed cups of chamomile and girly giggles
The stillness of sweet intimacy covering harsh histories

Slowly, silence grew louder, echoed harder
Frustrations fell in chipped pieces from my ceiling
My walls unwilling participants
Of broken china and crushed bones
I witnessed cycles spinning fast
Into knees begging for kind acceptance
Needing relief to reach the core
Where all goodness settles

I wept for the innocence lost from your eyes
Watching it linger in the air for a brief moment
Before its final escape through the screen door

Hush now, lean against me
I will hold you, for time has made me brave
Let us quiet together
And sigh.

one word, no explanation

I was tagged by Jessie. It seems like a cool idea- that I don't have the option to explain myself. Our lives are spent experiencing things and then trying to convey and explain what happened. It can be so tiring sometimes. So, here is my attempt at not explaining. Just knowing that people can interpret my words however they want. They can use their own experiences to imagine what I mean.

One word. No explanation.

1. Yourself: blessed
2. Your partner: coming
3. Your hair: messy
4. Your mother: precious
5. Your father: huggable
6. Your favorite item: notebook
7. Your dream last night: blind
8. Your favorite drink: tea
9. Your dream car: hybrid
10. The room you are in: yellow
11. Your ex: Acapulco
12. Your fear: infertility
13. What you want to be in 10 years: present
14. Who you hung out with last night: stars
15. What you're not: simple
16. Muffins: carrot
17: One of your wish list items: buttons
18: Time: mine
19. The last thing you did: cooked
20. What you are wearing: scarf
21. Your favorite weather: raindrops
22. Your favorite book: Sylvia
23. The last thing you ate: soft
24. Your life: imperfect
25. Your mood: fluctuating
26. Your best friend: kind
27. What you're thinking about right now: coffee
28. Your car: green
29. What you are doing at the moment: shivering
30. Your summer: strolls
31. Your relationship status: sola
32. What is on your TV: scrubs
33. What is the weather like: covers
34. When was the last time you laughed: loudly

things you can't control

1. moods and madness

2. other people's thoughts and feelings

3. when the sun decides to come out and play

4. how your hair will curl on a certain day

5. the different ways the same cup of morning coffee will affect you

6. the multitude of annoying ads in your favorite magazine

7. your computer freezing and restarting before you have saved everything

8. how quickly a candle will burn

9. how long laughter or tears will last

10. crazy dreams in deep slumbers

11. random invitations from friends to be silly and delirious

12. the surprise when people accept you for exactly who you are

13. the absolute messiness of life

stars all around

While we were all peeling apples for my mom's apple crumble, I remembered a dear story:

An apple tree grows in a forest under near some tall oak trees. At night, the apple tree sees stars through the branches of the oak trees, and is jealous of the stars, thinking herself not beautiful. A voice tells her to be patient, to wait, and she will see that she too has stars. The apple tree doesn't believe, and continues to stare up at the oak trees and the stars in their branches. Fall comes, and the apple tree sheds her apples, and one of them splits, revealing a star at its core, and the apple tree finally understands.

I learned this story a few years ago and it has always resonated with me. To think about what is really inside of us and inside of others. To remember that we need to be patient (I'm not very good at that). And to know that beauty lies all around us.

dwell in blessing

We often use the word dwell in a negative way, i.e. to dwell on something. However, the meaning according to Merriam-Webster is "to keep the attention directed."

With Thanksgiving coming tomorrow, I have been thinking about dwelling in blessing. For me, this is a daily challenge. How do I dwell in blessing and live my blessings at the same time? How do you do this? The best way I know to dwell in blessing is to acknowledge them- as much as I can- aloud and in silence.

My brother and sister are incredible human beings on this earth- I often dwell in this blessing. They accept me for all that I am and love me for exactly that. How does one express their appreciation for something or someone, if they have no words to express? When I think of my love for my sweet siblings, all that comes are tears. My love for them makes my heart swell.

Let us all dwell in our daily blessings. May others dwell in the blessings that we contribute to their lives as well.

Peace.

My first sonnet

I have been reading Edna St. Vincent Millay's work and decided to try my hand at a sonnet. Here it goes:

Sonnet I

Shall I begin a sonnet with a quest?
Will it become the rhyme I want?
With ups and downs do words form lyrics best?
If I sit penning ink’s creative font?
Will love’s sensation be revealed?
Read through the present passion I can build?
Or will it stay like a secret concealed?
Will time predict the empty pages filled?
The rooted faith inside me grows
Feet firmly planted in the ground
Rejoice! My first sonnet like water flows
With all the words that I have found
Softly I rest my head and go to bed
Happy and quite content with what I’ve read

Somebody Loved

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's loves illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

I woke up singing these words by Joni Mitchell. Sometimes I wish Joni were sitting next to me reciting her poetry and strumming her guitar. It is an odd feeling to know that there was a period of time when you would have fit in perfectly- and it was before you were born. I am not saying that I don't fit in now, but I often long to be with all the early folk singers and stay up all night and create.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a lovely day filled with blessings and much love. It is a pretty amazing thing- to be loved. To know that you have a special place in people's hearts. I do a lot of loving myself, but yesterday, I tried to just take it in. As The Weepies say, to be somebody loved.

Liar, liar, pants on fire

Here is my entry for this week's Poetry Thursday. Yeah for today!

Green shirts are really red
They cover long limbs and longer lies
Cages made of yarn tuck me in at night
Comfort under the knitted covers
Flowers grow in the ocean
Rooted in waves and salt
Dots misconnect and misfire in the morning
Creating armies of tiredness
Tea drips slowly through my eyes
Herbal remedies to soothe the cheeks
Children wear wigs of brown and gold
To cover the gray
Ink forever flows from my fingertips
The pen, merely an instrument of illusion
Time never runs away
It trots along side of us as we move through the world
Love hides and disappears when we need it most
Behind rocks and clouds and struggles
Today is NOT my birthday!!

I believe...

After reading Andrea Scher's blog, I decided to do a little believing myself.

I believe in red shoes.
I believe in morning walks and pretty flowers dressed in blue.

I believe in yummy yarn and crafty textures.

I believe in the goodness of people.

I believe in public transportation.

I believe in love and sweet words from women I hold close.

Poetry Thursday

This is my first time participating in Poetry Thursday. I wrote this poem on my artist date after I saw my dear friend Carol. Enjoy!

There is nothing more beautiful
Than barns and beached whales
Unaware of the grace
In purple broken wings
Touched by blessing and might

Whales begin from a place of strength
Babies in water
Floating swimming struggling
Gliding close alongside mothers
Coming up for new air
Made of sparks and oxygen
Seeing land and pushing away
Unafraid of large seas
And unexplored regions of the heart

poetry

live to the point

I am constantly inspired by this amazing book that a friend so kindly gave me last year. I definitely live to the point of tears. It's a scary place, but I don't really know any other. Today, I am going to write 3 poems. That is my goal. It may take me to a place of tears, but I am kind of hoping not. I had enough tears this weekend.

When we live to the point, do we have to know what that "point" is? I am not sure what that "point" is for me yet. At moments, I have glimpses of it- love, community, meaning, laughter, emotion, evolution, God, playing, saving, fixing, helping... Most of the time, I think that the "point" is the present. To be present. It can be as difficult to find yourself in the present as it is to find the point. My present is filled with beauty and blessings. I am constantly pushing myself to live within those and not in lands of worry and doubt and fear. I wish we all talked about the point a little bit more. Sometimes, I am not sure that people really want to find the point. There is much comfort in just living, without thinking.

Well, I am off to write and sit with my present. Deep breath. Here I go...

living light

Lately, I have been trying to live light- to feel light on my feet, to appreciate the light, to let it come inside, to see it in others, to know that it is behind the clouds even if I can't see it. This is my first time submitting an entry for http://www.photofriday.com. Living light is harder than it seems. Especially now that the days are shorter and the night seems darker.

10 Ways I Create My Own Light:

1. Dance in my kitchen and twirl on my tippy toes
2. Think about sunny memories
3. Laugh loudly with friends
4. Stand up straight as if I have wings on my back
5. Sit quietly and be
6. Remember that there is much light to find in darkness
7. Be open to new people
8. Combining words into poems
9. Paint in yellows and oranges
10. Smile at strangers on the street

Stencils

I have taken to using stencils lately. I just paint through the spaces and magically, letters emerge. I am sure this says so much about where I am with things in my life. Trying to somehow understand the space that I have to work with. Knowing the boundaries that are set up by our society and those I put up for myself. There is a purpose for outlines and edges, they help us maintain our sense of control and sanity. We do, however, have the ability to create new spaces and play with the colors.

Lately, I have been in browns and reds. The seasons are changing and things are falling. When things fall, I can only assume that others rise. I am rising as a budding writer. I have to believe that. I am tripping and slipping, but I keep trying to find my footing in this new forest. The woods around me are dark. There is a different kind of air. I am breathing deeply and hoping that there is magic to be found there.

Practice Patience

Self Portrait 10/18/06

This weekend was filled with waiting, some of which was with friends and in other moments, I was alone. It is possible that there is no meaning to it at all. But, being the meaning metaphor seeker that I am, I couldn't help but think about the message from the universe. I am definitely living a life of beauty and blessing. However, there are certain elements that I am waiting for. This patience thing is really hard. Harder than I would have expected. Mostly because I am constantly struggling with feeling like I shouldn't want anything and that I need to appreciate each moment of the process.

Two varying scenarios happened over the past few days- one in which I waited and was rewarded. The other, I became very impatient and left the situation, proving frustration and empowerment. So, which is it? Should I wait patiently and hope that good things will come, and taste even sweeter? Should I take action to create new paths in order to feel some semblance of control?

The thing here is the practicing piece. Either way, the reality is that I just need to practice living with waiting. Living in the state of unknown and fear. Today, I am calling upon my huge chunk of faith to pull me through this waiting, to help me practice patience gracefully.

Cosmic Toilet Paper

Tell me this isn't the most perfect horoscope! I couldn't believe it myself. I am going to save this and apply it to any crappy week or time period. I saw this in the SF Guardian. It fits so well, like a crazy jagged puzzle piece.

Some days I feel like I sit on the "throne of insecurity." The trick is to sit up straight and to be confident, even in my insecurity. As the week ends, my posture is stronger and my heart is recommitted to my queendom.

Sundrops

It's funny how we can feel raindrops on our cheeks, but not sundrops. It is hard to concretely feel the sunshine sometimes. I want to let it soak in, to feel it in my veins. It's not that easy though. How do we let in the joy? I have been thinking so much about joy and pain lately. I have this myth in my head that if we experience pain, then we should experience the same amount of joy. I am beginning to realize that it may not be true. If it isn't true, how do I justify the pain? I know that we can never see the whole picture- who knows what our lives will bring? Yet, I do know that we get to hold and play with the current picture. Today, I will venture into the sun to play. I will be silly and laugh from my belly.

Sugar Lovin'

I just spoke with one of my close friends. She is an amazing woman filled with grace and goodness. She always gives me the sweet sugar lovin' that I need. I guess I needed some lovin' tonight. An evening filled with the struggle to find my place in the world. Sometimes good music, tea and friends can help ease the intensity of the overwhelm. There is a slow motion to this struggle. A path, dependent only on time.

Mary Oliver says it beautifully:

Daisies

It is possible, I suppose that sometime
we will learn everything
there is to learn: what the world is, for example,
and what it means. I think this as I am crossing
from one field to another, in summer, and the
mockingbird is mocking me, as one who either
knows enough already or knows enough to be
perfectly content not knowing. Song being born
of quest he knows this: he must turn silent
were he suddenly assaulted with answers. Instead
oh hear his wild, caustic, tender warbling ceaselessly
unanswered. At my feet the white-petalled daisies display
the small suns of their center piece, their - if you don't
mind my saying so - their hearts. Of course
I could be wrong, perhaps their hearts are pale and
narrow and hidden in the roots. What do I know?
But this: it is heaven itself to take what is given,
to see what is plain; what the sun lights up willingly;
for example - I think this
as I reach down, not to pick but merely to touch -
the suitability of the field for the daisies, and the
daisies for the field.

Wood and Water

I have been thinking about wood and water lately. I did some surfing and serendipitously found a poem by one of my women- Sylvia Plath. Here it is:

Dark Wood, Dark Water

This wood burns a dark
Incense. Pale moss drips
In elbow-scarves, beards

From the archaic
Bones of the great trees.
Blue mists move over

A lake thick with fish.
Snails scroll the border
Of the glazed water

With coils of ram's-horn.
Out in the open
Down there the late year

Hammers her rare and
Various metals.
Old pewter roots twist

Up from the jet-backed
Mirror of water
And while the air's clear

Hourglass sifts a
Drift of goldpieces
Bright waterlights are

Sliding their quoits one
After the other
Down boles of the fir.

moonbath

I have been craving a moonbath. The summers in San Francisco just aren't condusive to bathing in the moonlight. Alas, I will have to settle for my clean sheets and warm covers. Everyone says that today is the first day of the rest of your life. I think that is true for most days, but for me, the rest of my life starts tomorrow night. I don't know how it will turn out, but that is the exciting part- the possibilities that lie ahead...

Darkness and Light

Can the darkness and light exist together? When I close my eyes at night, I wonder if the two blend or if the darkness completely overwhelms the light. Actually, I think that we can't experience one without the other. Something is not completely good or entirely bad. We can't have the beauty without the chaos and vice versa. Someone once said that our eyes are made up of darkness and light, yet we can only see out of the darkness. There is much truth in that. As I struggle right now with my life's challenges, I see both the black and the white. Instead of trying to blur them and live in the gray, as we tend to, I am aiming to live in both- the fear and the joy, the known and the unknown.

What does it feel like to sit in this fear? Which is easier to sit with, joy, fear, sadness? Why do such strong emotions exist, if our beings can't handle experiencing them? So many thoughts... I shall return to you, my new blog, soon enough. But, now I must return to my ever shifting life and my struggle to keep from muting the black and the white.